


Hold On To This

by Single_Man_Tear



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-20
Updated: 2015-05-20
Packaged: 2018-03-31 11:44:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3976819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Single_Man_Tear/pseuds/Single_Man_Tear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's actions after episode 22. After leaving the bunker, Dean goes for a drive and begins to think about what he's done. He has to apologize. He can't leave Cas the way he did. He has to apologize. He has to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold On To This

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic ever!! Inspired by the promo for the Season 10 finale. Since I'm completely terrified for tonight's finale I decided to take some stuff from the promo to make it a little happier. Hope you guys like it!!

Dean didn't look back as he climbed the stairs and walked out the door. 

He didn't look back as he got into his car or drove down the road going at least thirty over the limit. He didn't look back, he just drove, blasting Metallica, to calm him down, until he had put at least a state between himself and the angel. He didn't let himself think about what he had done until he pulled into a dingy motel somewhere in Nebraska, checked in, and locked the door behind him. 

Sinking into a chair beside the window, he leaned forward and put his head in his hands, grabbing at the strands and trying to ignore the throbbing pain in his arm, reminding him of what he'd done. He could still see it clearly, feel the blood running down his fingers and bones crunching in his hands. 

Lurching to his feet, he grabbed the closest object and hurled it across the room into the wall. It didn't make him feel any better but the Mark pulsed encouragingly, urging him to take something else in his hands. To break, to destroy. His fingers twitching toward the chair, Dean moved toward it, arms outstretched before he snapped them back, pinning them to his sides. The Mark throbbed angrily at his hesitation while he struggled to find control. 

"Dammit." He muttered, kicking the lamp shade out of the way and stomping into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him so hard the mirror rattled. 

The blood on his hands was adding the itch crawling on his skin from the Mark. At least that was something he could take care of. As he scrubbed it from his fingers and arms, he found himself wishing he had hurt himself. That the blood he was cleaning off was his own. He watched as the water ran red, pooling at the drain before disappearing. 

Dean didn't regret what he had done to the Styne family. Not for one second. They deserved what he had done, deserved to be wiped out. Even if they hadn't killed Charlie, they still had to be stopped. Killing her had just been the tipping point. Their blood on his hands was something he could wash away and forget about. He wouldn't lose sleep over destroying that family. But Castiel's blood, that was something he just couldn't seem to remove. 

Even when his hands were clean and shining from the now clear water, he still felt it crawling on his skin, clawing at him like a fresh burn. Dean clenched his jaw, leaning on the sink, letting the warm water coat his hands, trying in vain to make it go away. 

But when he finally looked up at the mirror to clean his face, it wasn't his reflection staring back at him. 

Cas, looking just like he had left him in the bunker, was watching him. It looked so real Dean stumbled back and whirled around, expecting the angel to be behind him. "I'm sorry" was halfway out of his mouth before Dean realized Cas wasn't really there. But Castiel's reflection was still there when he turned back, watching him with sad eyes. Disappointment reflected in the blue pools, clenching at Dean's lungs. 

I'm so sorry, Cas." He whispered to the mirage, wishing the angel was there with him. He wanted to take him in his arms, to say how sorry he was. That it wasn't him, that he never meant to hurt him. 

*But you did, didn't you? He was pushing you, trying to stop you. You needed to hurt him.*

Dean shook his head, trying to shake off the thoughts that weren't his, trying to find himself again. He would never hurt Cas, he had sworn that years ago. 

He wanted to pray to him like he used to, to ask him to come to him, to let him explain everything. Not that he knew how to explain anything, but he wanted to try. As though the Mark knew he wanted to fix everything, it gave a nasty throb. His vision blurred red and rage curled in his stomach. Mind reeling, he pulled back his fist and shot it forward, slamming into Cas's reflection. 

He didn't feel pain when the glass connected with his skin. He didn't notice the fresh blood running down his hands. He just turned away from the shattered mirror and walked back into his room, collapsing on the bed and staring up at the ceiling. He was so tired. He was always tired now, the Mark draining his energy as he fought to keep control. 

But when he closed his eyes, Cas was there again. His broken image watching him with those same wide, disappointed eyes. 

Before he could think twice, Dean clamped his eyes shut, clinging to the image and starting to pray. 

"Cas? Got your ears on?"

He knew that was a lousy way to start a prayer after what he had done. He shouldn't even hope that Cas was listening. And if he was, Dean shouldn't hope that he would answer. He didn't deserve it. He almost killed the angel. But he had to try before the Mark took hold again. He had to do something. 

"Cas, I'm so sorry." He whispered. "I know I don't deserve your forgiveness. Hell, I don't deserve you even listening to this. But I need you to know I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped. I never should have let myself get that bad. I promised I wouldn't hurt you. I told you I was alright, that I was in control. That I could fight it off. I'm so sorry." He paused, running a hand through his hair and thinking. "The truth is...I'm not alright. I'm not winning this fight, Cas. I'm tired of fighting every second. I need help and I don't know what to do about it. I'm lost, Cas...I need you. I need you now more than ever and I just pushed you away. I kept pushing and I...I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Cas. Please...please at least listen. I'm so sorry."

He waited a moment before opening his eyes, hoping to hear that familiar beat of those invisible wings, but nothing came. 

He didn't expect Cas to come, but he couldn't keep himself from hoping. He groaned, laying back down and covering his eyes, rubbing them with the heels of his hands. 

"I'm sorry, Cas." He whispered again.

*Whup whup* 

....

"Hello, Dean."

Slowly, already convinced he was hallucinating, Dean opened his eyes and sat up. 

"Cas?" He whispered, looking into the corner where the angel was standing. Castiel watched him with apprehensive eyes, wide and shining in the dark. He didn't answer, just stood there, waiting, but any confidence Dean had before he appeared was gone. 

"I heard your prayer, Dean." Cas said after a tense moment, stepping more into view. 

"I...I didn't think you would come." Dean replied softly, looking down at his hands. 

"I always come when you call, Dean." Cas said, repeating his words from what felt like a lifetime ago. 

Dean couldn't answer, couldn't meet the angel's steady gaze. He kept staring at his hands, searching for something to say. Finally, he managed, "I shouldn't have called you."

"But you did. And I'm here." Cas said, tone a bit softer than before as he came closer. Dean slid on the bed so he was further away, nerves clenching in the pit of his stomach when the Mark gave an angry pulse. But he ignored it.

"Dean..." He trailed off, sitting on the corner of the bed. Dean got a good look at him for the first time and was surprised by what he saw. 

It was nothing like the way he had left him. Trench coat clean and unwrinkled, blood erased from his white shirt and blue tie. His bruised an battered skin was healed, leaving no signs that he had ever been hurt in the first place. The longer Dean stared, the more confused he got. 

"You're alright..." He whispered and Cas nodded. "But I...I hurt you."

"Yes, you did. But I am fine now."

"You let me. You let me hurt you." Dean stood abruptly but Cas didn't flinch, watching him with those same apprehensive eyes. "You could have fought me off, you could have made me stop! You let me do this to you! Why would you let me do this?! Why did you let me hurt you!?"

"Dean-"

"I could have killed you! I almost killed you! Hell, for a second there I wanted to!" Dean shouted, taking generous steps away from Castiel, who made no move to stop him. He just watched him from the bed, eyes filled with sadness Dean hated to see. He hated himself for knowing it was him that caused it. "You wouldn't have stopped me, would you? You would have let me kill you!"

"No, Dean, I never would have let you kill me." He said, standing quickly and the next second he was across the room, barely a foot away from Dean. He backed into the wall, trying to get away. "Yes, I let you hurt me. I took your punches and blows because I needed you to see it wasn't the real you. You can still control it, Dean."

"No, Cas, I can't. All that did was prove I'm a lost cause. That I'm a blood thirsty monster." Dean insisted, attempting to get away but Cas grabbed hold of his shoulders, forcing him to remain still. 

"No. It showed me that you can still fight it. At the last moment you stopped. I saw it in your eyes, Dean. I saw you stop. The Mark's hold on you broke for just a moment and you fought for control. You stopped yourself. You could have given in, but you didn't." Cas's tone was soft but his words were firm, forcing Dean to think. But he didn't believe a word his friend said. "You're not a lost cause Dean." Cas added firmly. "And I will never give up on you."

Without waiting for a response, Cas pulled the hunter into his arms, holding him tight against his chest. 

Dean felt a sting in his eyes and slammed them shut, forcing the tears away and clinging to the one thing he knew he could hold on to. 

Cas held him like that for what could have been hours, stroking his hair and rubbing his back. Just holding him. 

Tears did eventually come for Dean, crying shamelessly into the angel's shoulder. Cas didn't say a word, just continued to hold him until his sobs subsided to shaky breaths. Pulling back to look at him, Cas wiped under his eyes with a soft smile that Dean barely managed to return. 

"We're going to fix this, Dean. I promise."

Dean rolled his eyes but smiled a little more. "I'm so sorry, Cas."

"I know." He answered, kissing his forehead. 

"Doesn't change anything. This can't happen again. I can't lose control again. I can't be near Sam. I shouldn't be near you." But as he said that, his arms tightened around Cas, almost clinging to him. 

"I'm not going anywhere, Dean." Cas said firmly, cupping his face in his hands, unyielding blue eyes watching him. 

"But Cas-"

"No, Dean. I know you are scared. I know this fight is one you can't win on your own. I am staying with you whether you like it or not. I told you before, I'll be with you until the end. No matter what happens."

Dean stared at him before pulling him closer, foreheads bumping together. 

"Cas..."

"Yes Dean?"

"I'm sorry."

"I forgive you." 

"Cas?"

"Yes?"

Dean smiled softly before closing the gap between them, kissing the angel softly. 

Cas smiled against his lips, tightening his hold on the hunter, one hand on the small of his back, the other fitting where his hand print had been almost six years ago. 

Dean knew the fight was far from over. That he was losing. But with Cas there, in his arms, promising to stay with him until the end, it made the fight more bearable. He could hold on to this.

**Author's Note:**

> What did you all think???? Please leave comments below to let me know how I did! I want to post more. (Constructive criticism is appreciated!!) :)


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